I am sure we all fear the last few years of our lives - fear of the unknown really as we don't know how our own bodies and minds are going to behave in our twilight years.
My father, at almost 92, is an independent cuss, whose live nearly ended 12 years ago when he was given 24 hours to live - and somehow miraculoulsy survived, for which we are very grateful. I remember at the time my mother's reaction as he lay dying - she really had had enough I think. He was typical male - and made most decisions - often wisely, but she had lost her own independence many years before. He berated her frequently, and I suspect his behaviour contrinuted to her downward spiral mentally.
She had some 15 years ago wanted to move into a 'retirement facility' - just a small unit, similar to what they were living in, but with support and people around. Mum had no where to go, no one to talk to, unless Dad took her, and he was such a nice guy to everyone else that he was always made a fuss of, and often stayed at the events that Mum had thought she could get some peace away from him. These occurrences continually aggravated here.
He dominated her life in every way. Mentally she went downhill quickly and he beratd her more. He cared for her though - and it was he who cooked the meals and did much of the housework. Last year, he became ill (though we know now that it was more 'panic attack' than anything as he was suddenly overwhelmed by all he had to do - and the continual bickering (often instigated by him) got him down and he was taken to hospital. It was clear he was unable to manage our mother, so she went to a nursing home.
As it was right next door to their unit - he felt it was the right thing to stay there. He was still driving though didn't go far. I could never understand how his doctor would see him as still fit to drive, but he managed without any accidents.
Clearly though in the last year, he was failing. It came to a head recently when he 'collapsed' - actually another panic attack, and he was hospitalised. He was discharged - and on talking to him I deduced that he really was not fit to beon his own, but he had rejected all support except regular home visits by an aged care organisation.
My sister took time off work to keep an eye on him, but she was looking after her daughters home and animals on the other side of the city, and I was in Brisbane - not easily able to go to Adelaide. (Even if I had wanted to go - the volcanic ash from Chile would have interrupted any travel plans)
My sister called to make sure he ate properly, and she gave him his medication. He was so confused he needed someone to do this for him. So this man thinks he can now live alone???
My sister had been with him most of yesterday and, according to his wishes arranged for home help, - someone to visit every day - check that he had meals, and that he was taking his medication. I spoke with him about 1 pm - he was feeling fine, he said. In fact he sounded quite bright and confident everything would work out. (His breathing bothered me - there were signs of breathlessness I could hear). My sister left for a short time to do some shopping for him, but while he was away the home care folk to confirm arrangements and Dad broke down. He told the lady that he could not manage and could not breathe properly, so she called the ambulance and then contacted my sister.
He was taken to Ashford Hospital in Adelaide, but a few hours later he was transferred to Glenelg Hospital. He has now accepted that he will never go home and that he will have to go to some aged care facility. He refuses to go to the same place Mum is - creating quite a dilemma for us - my sister will now have two places to visit on a regular basis.
I can understand how he was reluctant to go to a facility - my experience is that they are unhappy places - God's waiting rooms - and I have no doubt that he will go downhill quickly.
Meanwhile my mother is oblivous to all that is going on. She doesn't seem to notice that she has not seen Bob for a while. She will be 96 this year and physically is ok.
I don't know the answer, but I know that as a community we are not providing well for our ageing population. I know it is often a finance issue, and I know older people are pigheaded and won't make the changes that they need to. If Mum and Dad had moved when she wanted to, into a facility that had a nursing home attached/associated with it, they would both have had more peace of mind.
It is hard. I wonder how I will react as I get older?
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