Keys, Security and Confusion

My father was pedantic about security – such that he had a plethora of keys, locks, and confusion.   There were keys everywhere. He had bunches of keys.  The bunches of car keys (there were two that I have found) had they car key, and remote – (which hasn’t worked for some years), the key to the steering wheel lock, and other key for something we have not determined.

The house keys were on another bunch – some of them were marked with Dymo.  FSD meant ‘front screen door’, FD was the front door, and BD was the back door.  As well there was a number of other keys for which we have not found doors or locks.

At the front door there was a security screen door (FSD), and a timber door with two locks.  One was the one for FD, but the other did not have a key, and pity help anyone who accidentally turned the knob at the back of the door locking it.  Which is what either he or mum did at one stage, and one can see the scratches where he tried to cut the glass window to get in.  (I’ve never understood why he didn’t just smash the window – if he was going to break it anyway.....)

Also there are keys to each window, and each door.  Some keys are ‘hidden’ on tops of wardrobes – and yes, he locked his wardrobe, though to be fair it was the only way the doors remained shut.  It had no other device to keep the door closed.

In a way it indicates to me the concern for their own security that my parents had.  But they were ‘over the top’ – and it did in the end, risk their own security.

Mum, as her dementia progressed, became increasingly confused – and agitated by it all. Dad on the other hand focussed on their security with a passion and determination that was worrying.  When there was a murder (and I think still unsolved) just a few streets away, he was especially concerned.  There are bolts on gates, padlocks, and yes, of course more keys.

Dad was also ‘tight’ with his money.  The idea of having some locks ‘keyed alike’ would have been a challenge to him.  It cost less to copy a key or keys, than to have some ‘keyed alike’, so that was his choice.

My sister and I, and I am sure others, were concerned should there be a fire.  It would not be easy to unlock all the doors to escape – and I am aware that this has been an issue with other people in such emergencies.

Perhaps we need a government program to assist families, especially older or at risk families or individuals with security. 

Another issue I am aware of is the smoke alarm issue.  Certainly I agree that we should all have them – but I know there are issues, especially as the batteries run down.  So many older or frail people have challenges with them, especially changing the batteries.  You need someone with a ladder, and the ability to climb the ladder to change the battery if it is correctly placed on the ceiling!!!!  So, sometimes, people make bad choices about these alarms – either disconnecting them permanently or not putting new batteries in correctly. I know Dad changed all the batteries in February this year, as all have labels on them, written in his favourite red ink, giving the date the batteries were changed.  I am not sure if this 91 year old was the one that changed the batteries, climbing on a ladder to access the alarms on the ceiling!

So sad.  Can someone invent an easier way to keep these alarms fully operational without risking life and limb?  Can we have a program to assist families to be secure at home, without having bunches of keys?  I would guess that in all there are at least 30 keys in use in my parents unit.  Bizarre!!!

(I must say that in 2008, when my husband was mowing the lawn, someone sneaked into the house, which was not locked, and took phone, wallet, camera etc, he went overboard with security, and I needed two keys to get out of the house!!! I was not happy!!!)

I am finding it interesting looking closer inside cupboards, and inside the life that my parents lived in this unit for so many years.  They refused to accept much advice from their daughters – quite touchy really as the place was really in need of some extra TLC!

Dealing with 'Family Matters'

Since Dad passed away on July 14th, there has been a lot of mail in relation to our father's life, and as my sister not only holds the "Power of Attorney" for our mother but is the local family member.  Mum is certainly not capable of dealing with any of the business side of things.  In fact, she still does not understand that Dad has died.  There are fleeting moments when she can be rational about it, but for the most part, she is just angry with him for not visiting, and she makes up terrible stories about what she suspects he is doing.  Sad.

I am staying in the unit that Mum and Dad have lived in for over 20 years, and cleaning it out.  Mum will never come back here to live, so we must either sell it or rent it. 

It is interesting 'going through Dad's things.  I think I have written about the way Dad downsized - he certainly did prepare but we are dismayed by what he disposed of, and what he kept.  Some things seem quite bizarre.   The kitchen cupboards are bare.  He kept a couple of saucepans, a meagre supply of crockery and cutlery, and a few miserable items of food in the fridge.

I am amazed at the number of pairs of shoes that he had.  Good quality shoes - I'd love to have had so many.  All of his clothes will be donated to charity - and there are quite a lot to go!

We have received Dad's death certificate and I have made copies for the various organisations that need a copy, and I have a number of people to contact, things to do.

Yesterday I went to the movies.  I've detailed that here.

I am also preparing for the inevitable demise of our mother.  We will be more organised next time.

Old? Me?

Don't we hate the idea of getting old!!!  I am thinking today (with a wry smile on my face) of some of the things my father said.  He was 2 days short of his 92nd, birthday when he died - and had been in an aged care facility for the last few weeks of his life.  Almost one year previously he was in the most difficult situation having to put his wife, our mother, in a nursing home, due to her deteriorating mental state.  At almost 95 she was really having difficulty mentally - forgetting things, being annoyed by things that normally would not bother her, etc. 

I don't know when or if my parents had last visited a nursing home.   I do remember we used to visit Mum's aunts in a nursing home many, many years ago.  I remember it well, but in recent times, I don't recall that they had.  When Mum went into the nursing home, Dad was appalled at so many 'old' people there.  I do think he actually meant old and terribly disabled - as some clearly remained in bed all the time.  Even Mum's room mate sat in a chair all day and never spoke.  She'd look at us with a strange half smile when we spoke.   There was a one legged man who pushed his wheelchair around, and various other men and women in advanced stages of 'decay'.  Dad hated it. 

Mum, however, felt safe and comfortable there.  (Oddly enough only today I have heard of another lady who recently went to a nursing home and feels safe and comfortable there - without being berated by HER husband who could not cope with her dementia.  He'd even hit and bruised her!) 

Dad would never have hurt my mother, and until she went into the home, he was always arguing with her about her mistakes. No wonder she found the nursing home to be some sort of a haven.  Dad did continue to berate her, especially when she got mixed up.  She'd say she visited her mother (but Dad knew that she had died almost 30 years ago) but he would argue with her - telling her she was stupid etc. He never could understand and just let her tell her stories without interrupting or correcting her.  It used to make them both angry, but he couldn't stop.

Dad had meticulously prepared for his demise.  He had a funeral fund - though clearly had no idea how much the modest funeral would cost.  Some things he had done - we knew where he wanted his final service, and we knew the funeral director, and he had had his will done.  Some things though I wish he had told us - his favourite music - (though read the ps for that), and other things that might have helped us in our hours after his death having to come to terms with some decisions.

But he didn't plan to get old, and he hated that his body was showing signs of wear and tear and that nothing seemed to slow down, for him, the ravages of old age.  I think we all are in that position.  From the day we are born we are heading to old age - though some sadly don't make it very far, and others take too long to get there.

And in the nursing home, Dad hated being surrounded by 'old people' as if he was there under some sort of strange guise that made him different from the others.  That he had most of his mental faculties probably did make him different, though in the few short days I was visiting him, I met old blokes learning how to 'surf the net' - so they weren't all mental basket cases.

I had asked Dad about his favourite music just a day or so before he died, and he started singing "Silver Threads and Golden Needles" and he said it was his favourite.  When we checked on the words, we decided it was not suitable for a funeral.    So we had to choose something. 

So some tips about this. 

• Don't wait until you or your relative is on their death bed - make not of some of these things as soon as possible
• Favourite colour
• Favourite music
• Favourite things

Find out what they would like at their final farewell.

Make a collection (or a short Powerpoint presentation) of photos.   Find old photos, and recent ones, and include as many good ones or ones with appropriate family members. (We were busily scanning photos and working on the presentation just hours before the service and had to buy a scanner because no one we knew had one!)