They say time is a healer - but it will take me a while to heal and come to terms with the ageing of my parents. OK, you say, we must all get used to this, and ageing is something most of us will have to face. Those of us challenged by watching their relatives decline (be it ageing or illness) fight to find some solution to make life better for them. We hate watching someone in physical pain, or mental pain. Which is worse?
I spent just over four days in Adelaide, and for the first time ever, there was just me and my father in the unit that he and Mum have called home for over 20 years. I was his guest, and he enjoyed it. Though there were some minor things that I did for him, he enjoyed doing things for me. Getting meals was his domain. We did argue as I wanted to do things for him - isn't that what a big daughter should do for her ageing father? But then he would have nothing to do, and he has found it difficult to live on his own, WITH NOTHING TO DO. He does have someone come in weekly to do housework, and he does go out occasionally for meal, but other than that lives for himself, and the regular visits to my mother who lives next door in an aged care facility.
I asked about washing the curtains - on a glance they looked gray and dusty, but he raised his voice and angrily told me that he had recently paid to have them all professionally. Recently? The layers of dust and cobwebs in some rooms indicated otherwise, but any attempts by me to do anything resulted in aggravating him. Not something I wanted to do.
We did eat out a couple of times, but he preferred to fix simple meals in the kitchen, and best I could do was wash and/or dry the dishes.
We tried to discuss some things but apart from relating tales of day gone by, he was reluctant to let me help with anything. He did suggest that he was getting closer to considering an aged care facility - but not yet, he said. Again, I had to let him speak about these things when he was comfortable to do so - any questioning on my behalf resulted in upsetting him.
I visited my mother every day - sometimes up to three times. I'd tell her I was passing by, and managed to come and go without distressing her. My sister is constantly distressed as each time my mother begs to return home. She has cooking to do. She has shopping to do. And so on, and my sister does not know how to deal with it.
My sister says "my mother should not be in a place like this." - but when questioned she is not able to define where our mother should be. In something like a five star hotel? My sister's anger with me is almost palpable - as if I should have some solution to the problem.
I have thought of going to Adelaide to live - and my few days in Adelaide were in some ways a test to see what it would be like. Apart from being just too cold for me, there are other issues.
Could I live with my father? Not likely. For short periods it is OK - but hearing the same story over and over and over again would hasten the dementia that I consider I will have to face one day. It sends me crazy. Each time I go to Adelaide (it has been four times this year), I get the same tour of Brighton as if I've never been there before, the same spiel. "Yes, Dad, I know. I've seen it before."
Having him control me - not likely. He has never allowed me to use his car - and if I go anywhere I must hire my own car (done that often, but it is expensive), or allow him to take me. He sits in the car outside where I am and waits and waits. How do I feel?
We all know we have to face the inevitable death of our loved ones - wondering if we will "go" before them. Watching them decline is painful. Why must this stage of their lives be so painful?
My daughter asked me today about living in Adelaide - I'd made the suggestion recently. It is an option. I thought of living with my father, and after the few days I knew that I could not do that, as well, now he is considering moving into an aged care facility. I'd have to rent a place to live, or house sit - but I have no car - and am unlikely to be able to get one there. I just don't have the money to rent a place and get a car.
It is just so hard - living over 2000 kms from one's parents. Hard to watch and care for them from such a long way away.
