We are so proud of our parents (my sister and I) as they have had (until recent times) a good long life. Certainly had its challenges at times, but they are stoic and determined and have done pretty well.
But in their declining years, the challenges really make life difficult. Mum is physically fit, but dementia has claimed her. She now lives in a nursing home, completely happy as all is done for her, and she lives our days out doing very little, but considering herself very busy working for the government. She told me a few days ago that she was at the races at nearby Seacliff racetrack (there may have been a racetrack there, but it would have been 70 years ago), and that she was telling someone (her grand daughter) that she was pregnant. (We've had a good laugh at that - even she thought it was funny.)
Dad on the other hand, who was until a few weeks ago living in their unit right next door to the nursing home, was mentally alert, but physically going down hill. He's weathered cancer and complications from the medication, but in the end it was more depression, and his heart that made it impossible to continue living at home.
He has had several 'heart attacks' and is clearly depressed - and other than make him as comfortable as possible, there is little else that can be done. He is 92 in a couple of weeks time.
He has been in and out of hospital for the last three weeks and keen to go to a nursing home - though not to the one where mother is. There was a vacant bed next to mum, but we knew that constant bickering would get them both 'down'. Dad always argues with mum - as he contradicts her, and tell her that the stories she relates are not true. Result? Massive tension between the two.
While many who know dad consider that mentally he is ok - well, he is to some degree, and you can have a more sensible conversation with him, than with mum, but he repeats himself over and over and over, and is in denial about his situation. Despite the advice he's been given he can never allow mum to talk about the fantasy life she is living. The disputes are uncomfortable to witness.
His preferred aged care home has no vacancy, and he had to be discharged from the hospital, so after much 'mucking around' we found a bed for him, quite close to where he has lived most of his life, and consequently not far from his shrinking circle of friends.
When I saw it the other day I saw quite a few reasonable alert people around, and was assured that the were some guys who were mentally alert, but he's already depressed about the place. He saw all the 'oldies' sitting in their wheelchairs watching television, and he and my sister have agreed that it is not suitable for him.
OMG! As one that has been frequently in these places as a visitor and as an aged care trainer in the past, I saw the establishment as one of the best I have seen. It was relatively new, open and clean and surrounded by gardens.
All Dad and my sister have seen is the old people - and dad doesn't want to associate with them. In fact he doesn't have to but he might be there for several weeks, or even months until there is a vacancy.
The reality is that dad is declining, and fairly fast if he does not manage to 'pull himself out of it' - and the depression is what is causing the problem.
He cannot accept that his longevity, along with his health issues, renders him pretty much like the others in such places. He sees himself (and it is not snobbery as such) as being better than the others. He doesn't see the old man that he is.
Well, I am back in Brisbane. I did all I could do in the five days I had in Adelaide, and I'd love to have done more but it was a rush to do everything as it was.
I am sure the fear of his days ending sometime soon, is what is behind the depression, and he worries about our mother, who is incredibly comfortable where she is. Family members will continue to keep visiting them.
We will try to do the best for them both. It is hard on everyone - and especially them, although mum worries not about it. Dad is (and always has been) the worrier.
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