Fear of Ageing

I am sure we all fear the last few years of our lives - fear of the unknown really as we don't know how our own bodies and minds are going to behave in our twilight years. 

My father, at almost 92, is an independent cuss, whose live nearly ended 12 years ago when he was given 24 hours to live - and somehow miraculoulsy survived, for which we are very grateful.  I remember at the time my mother's reaction as he lay dying - she really had had enough I think.  He was typical male - and made most decisions - often wisely, but she had lost her own independence many years before.  He berated her frequently, and I suspect his behaviour contrinuted to her downward spiral mentally.

She had some 15 years ago wanted to move into a 'retirement facility' - just a small unit, similar to what they were living in, but with support and people around.  Mum had no where to go, no one to talk to, unless Dad took her, and he was such a nice guy to everyone else that he was always made a fuss of, and often stayed at the events that Mum had thought she could get some peace away from him.  These occurrences continually aggravated here.

He dominated her life in every way.  Mentally she went downhill quickly and he beratd her more.  He cared for her though - and it was he who cooked the meals and did much of the housework.  Last year, he became ill (though we know now that it was more 'panic attack' than anything as he was suddenly overwhelmed by all he had to do - and the continual bickering (often instigated by him) got him down and he was taken to hospital.  It was clear he was unable to manage our mother, so she went to a nursing home.

As it was right next door to their unit - he felt it was the right thing to stay there.  He was still driving though didn't go far.  I could never understand how his doctor would see him as still fit to drive, but he managed without any accidents. 

Clearly though in the last year, he was failing.  It came to a head recently when he 'collapsed' - actually another panic attack, and he was hospitalised.  He was discharged - and on talking to him I deduced that he really was not fit to beon his own, but he had rejected all support except regular home visits by an aged care organisation.

My sister took time off work to keep an eye on him, but she was looking after her daughters home and animals on the other side of the city, and I was in Brisbane - not easily able to go to Adelaide.  (Even if I had wanted to go - the volcanic ash from Chile would have interrupted any travel plans)

My sister called to make sure he ate properly, and she gave him his medication.  He was so confused he needed someone to do this for him.  So this man thinks he can now live alone???

My sister had been with him most of yesterday and, according to his wishes arranged for home help, - someone to visit every day - check that he had meals, and that he was taking his medication.  I spoke with him about 1 pm - he was feeling fine, he said.  In fact he sounded quite bright and confident everything would work out.  (His breathing bothered me - there were signs of breathlessness I could hear).  My sister left for a short time to do some shopping for him, but while he was away the home care folk to confirm arrangements and Dad broke down.  He told the lady that he could not manage and could not breathe properly, so she called the ambulance and then contacted my sister.

He was taken to Ashford Hospital in Adelaide, but a few hours later he was transferred to Glenelg Hospital.  He has now accepted that he will never go home and that he will have to go to some aged care facility.  He refuses to go to the same place Mum is - creating quite a dilemma for us - my sister will now have two places to visit on a regular basis.

I can understand how he was reluctant to go to a facility - my experience is that they are unhappy places - God's waiting rooms - and I have no doubt that he will go downhill quickly.

Meanwhile my mother is oblivous to all that is going on.  She doesn't seem to notice that she has not seen Bob for a while. She will be 96 this year and physically is ok. 

I don't know the answer, but I know that as a community we are not providing well for our ageing population.  I know it is often a finance issue, and I know older people are pigheaded and won't make the changes that they need to.  If Mum and Dad had moved when she wanted to, into a facility that had a nursing home attached/associated with it, they would both have had more peace of mind.

It is hard.  I wonder how I will react as I get older?

Time

They say time is a healer - but it will take me a while to heal and come to terms with the ageing of my parents.  OK, you say, we must all get used to this, and ageing is something most of us will have to face. Those of us challenged by watching their relatives decline (be it ageing or illness) fight to find some solution to make life better for them.  We hate watching someone in physical pain, or mental pain.  Which is worse?

I spent just over four days in Adelaide, and for the first time ever, there was just me and my father in the unit that he and Mum have called home for over 20 years.  I was his guest, and he enjoyed it.  Though there were some minor things that I did for him, he enjoyed doing things for me.  Getting meals was his domain.  We did argue as I wanted to do things for him - isn't that what a big daughter should do for her ageing father?  But then he would have nothing to do, and he has found it difficult to live on his own, WITH NOTHING TO DO.  He does have someone come in weekly to do housework, and he does go out occasionally for meal, but other than that lives for himself, and the regular visits to my mother who lives next door in an aged care facility.

I asked about washing the curtains - on a glance they looked gray and dusty, but he raised his voice and angrily told me that he had recently paid to have them all professionally.  Recently?  The layers of dust and cobwebs in some rooms indicated otherwise, but any attempts by me to do anything resulted in aggravating him.  Not something I wanted to do.

We did eat out a couple of times, but he preferred to fix simple meals in the kitchen, and best I could do was wash and/or dry the dishes.

We tried to discuss some things but apart from relating tales of day gone by, he was reluctant to let me help with anything.  He did suggest that he was getting closer to considering an aged care facility - but not yet, he said.  Again, I had to let him speak about these things when he was comfortable to do so - any questioning on my behalf resulted in upsetting him.

I visited my mother every day - sometimes up to three times.  I'd tell her I was passing by, and managed to come and go without distressing her.  My sister is constantly distressed as each time my mother begs to return home.  She has cooking to do.  She has shopping to do.  And so on, and my sister does not know how to deal with it.

My sister says "my mother should not be in a place like this." - but when questioned she is not able to define where our mother should be.  In something like a five star hotel?  My sister's anger with me is almost palpable - as if I should have some solution to the problem.  

I have thought of going to Adelaide to live - and my few days in Adelaide were in some ways a test to see what it would be like.  Apart from being just too cold for me, there are other issues.

Could I live with my father?  Not likely.  For short periods it is OK - but hearing the same story over and over and over again would hasten the dementia that I consider I will have to face one day.  It sends me crazy.  Each time I go to Adelaide (it has been four times this year), I get the same tour of Brighton as if I've never been there before, the same spiel.  "Yes, Dad, I know.  I've seen it before."  

Having him control me - not likely.  He has never allowed me to use his car - and if I go anywhere I must hire my own car (done that often, but it is expensive), or allow him to take me.  He sits in the car outside where I am and waits and waits.  How do I feel?

We all know we have to face the inevitable death of our loved ones - wondering if we will "go" before them.  Watching them decline is painful.  Why must this stage of their lives be so painful?

My daughter asked me today about living in Adelaide - I'd made the suggestion recently.  It is an option.  I thought of living with my father, and after the few days I knew that I could not do that, as well, now he is considering moving into an aged care facility.  I'd have to rent a place to live, or house sit -  but I have no car - and am unlikely to be able to get one there.  I just don't have the money to rent a place and get a car.

It is just so hard - living over 2000 kms from one's parents.  Hard to watch and care for them from such a long way away.

What do you want to do?

I've had interesting discussions with friends in the recent week since I have been exploring various aspects of ageing, and I am surprised that there are some who are trying to ignore the inevitable.  We are all getting older, and some of us will depart this world before we reach a "ripe old age" whatever that is.  My research continues and I will be adding a poll to the site here, and further information.

The following video I found from a link from an Australian site about ageing.  It is American, but the blurb says that it is appropriate for Australia too.  I will add further information as I find it.

A few things

Over the weekend a couple of things occurred.  Our dear dog Kramer died.  He was an old dog.  My husband was in charge of Kramer - as I am elsewhere, and on Wednesday when it appeared that he had another stroke, he was taken to the Vet.  Kramer previously had had two strokes that we know of, and this one was severe and he was quite sick.  The Vet advised to leave him in, have a few injections, and see what happens.

If I had been there I think I would have discussed euthanasia straight away.  Kramer was not able to live the happy dog's life - slept all day, and was clearly in decline.  My option would have been to ease his pain, and let him fade away painlessly.  But the vet each day suggested "wait another day...."  Now I might seem cruel and suspicious of the Vet's motives.  Clearly an old dog has had it's day.  But each call resulted in the "wait and see".  On Saturday it was clear Kramer was declining.  I did want to see him BEFORE he died, but as it turns out he died on Saturday morning - 24 hours before my planned farewell with him.

We are all very sad about his passing and we will miss him - and we await the bill.  Much higher than the one we would have if my suggestion had been accepted.  Was it all about making more $$$$'s for the Vet?  

Also a friend has as she said "entered my world" - where a parent over 90 is resisting making changes in their lives that would surely make them (and the rest of the family) more comfortable about their care.  I'm all for giving older people the right to choose what they do with their lives, but there comes a point (and I think it is around 85+) that they are not always capable of making good choices.

My mother for example, wanted to move into senior's accommodation, for the companionship of others, more opportunities to go on bus trips with peers, and to have the comfort of knowing that there were friends around to "keep an eye on them".  My father resisted.  So Mum's last days in her own home were not happy.  She lost her freedom as she needed Dad to take her to places, and if he didn't want to go he would argue an alternative.  Mum increasingly lost her ability to go to places on her own, was only able to do what HE wanted, and as dementia caught up with her she did nothing.

She was never much of a reader, but would play cards, chat, do spinning, help with morning teas etc, but bit by bit that was removed from her weekly calendar.  In the end she did almost nothing - but believed she did it all.  She could not ever believe that Dad did all the cooking, and that a lady did the cleaning.  She sat (often with a glass of wine) believing that she did it all.  Now she is in a nursing home, but getting her there (as she was badly in need of care that my father (at 91) could no longer give her.

The trauma to both of them of her move to care has been painful to all around her - especially the family.  

I do not know what the answer is.  Perhaps it is providing better aged care facilities where people are not traumatised by the transition to something like that.  Why would my father not wish to move?  He still refuses to budge.  

In any case, there are so many dilemmas one must face as we age.  We are all ageing.  I hope I can be less trouble to my offspring than my parents are.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not "whingeing" as such, but lamenting the trauma to all concerned as we reach our "use by date" and won't see it.

I recall my grandmother refusing, when in her late 80's, to cash her pension cheques as "she was not old!"  Thousands of families have to deal with this every day/week/month/year.  What is the solution???

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Inspired by Sir Michael Parkinson

I've been reading Parky, the autobiography of Sr Michael Parkinson, and towards the end of his book he talks about ageing, and his work with a program called Ageing with Dignity in the UK.  I've done quite a bit of research on my own, as the topic has been of interest to me for many years.

I remember that in my nursing days (when I was a teenager training in Mt Gambier, South Australia) how concerned I was about ageing.  At the time we had many "patients" in residence in the hospital, as there was limited aged care outside of this establishment, and there were many folk there for the duration of the rest of their lives.  It certainly was not a good place for aged care, they were fed, washed, and kept as comfortable as we could make them, but it was a pretty awful existence for them.

I recall stating that I would "do away with myself" when I reached 40 - that seemed a good age to me, and so, so far away from my tender years.  Clearly by the time I reached 40, I had changed my mind, but it has always had an impact on me, that older people were not cared for very well.

Some years ago, a friend was "graced" with government housing - and she is still there, in a pokey little house that is dark, too small even for one person, and very gloomy.  Not only is it small and miserable, but there is no on-site care, and my friend, despite her disability, has often been called upon to help residents there, as she is more able than many of the residents there.  The establishment is a block of pokey 'units' on a busy street corner, with low fences and prone to unwelcome visits by drunks and other low life, and hardly comfortable and secure for the residents.  I have always been appalled at the treatment of our elderly by our government, but unless and until, younger people seek better accommodation and services for the senior members of our community, we will all find ourselves living in such situations.

And if you have every tried to find aged care accommodation for a family member, or care for a younger member of the family who is/has become frail and needing care, you will see how disadvantaged this group of people are.  You will learn how difficult it is to find one's way through the maze of red tape and garbage.  Very frustrating and long winded.  And to find the in the end the accommodation is pretty basic. 


Here is the video with Sir Michael Parkinson.