Following the ACAT assessment, which classified my mother as needing full time dementia care, we set about finding a suitable aged care facility. It was not easy. There was an "offer" by a "professional" aged care facility seeker, but it was going to cost $600. Perhaps ideal for someone who did not have the time/expertise to do the research, but I had the time, and set about the search via the Internet. I was in Queensland and my parents in South Australia, but thanks to the Internet it was not terribly difficult to access a number of sites. As it turns out, I could not proceed until I had the ACAT report, and we did not have it at the time.
Luckily Mum was found a "respite" place at a home around Morphetville, and with the aid of a cousin and her husband, Mum was taken. We knew it would be too difficult for Dad to do it, and Mum was not willing to go, so an "independent" was needed and Mum went for a holiday. The dementia increased, she hated it there, and my sister was not happy with it either, even though she had been to see the place before Mum was placed there.
One problem was that we were all having difficulties facing the fact that Mum needed this type of care, that she was no longer able to remain in her own home, and we all felt guilty. It was easier for me - as I was in Brisbane, but my sister and Dad had to deal with Mum's anger on a daily basis when they visited. In the end the hunt was on for somewhere else.
Initially Dad had indicated that he too would like to go into care too - but in the end the ACAT assessment did not indicate that he needed care. I sent off many requests for information/application, and my sister and I spent ages trying to sort through the myriads of information that came our way, and then Dad suddenly realised that as HE did not need care, perhaps Mum could go to the aged care facility right next door to where they lived. It did help that Mum and Dad had been good neighbours and Dad was quite well known to them.
And so it was that he orchestrated the move to the home right next door - though Mum does not know it.
She is settled some days, and others she is quite off the mark. When I phoned one day she told me she couldn't speak to me as she was in the city waiting for a taxi. Clearly not the case as we were speaking on the nursing home phone. I have spoken to her several times and she seems lucid, but then will say something that is clearly not true.
Dad is managing on his own - and Mum says he "walks all the way" to see her, not realizing that it is right next door.
She does go on outings with the nursing home and loves it.
Dad on the other hand is very lonely. Despite her dementia she was company for him.
In retrospect, we wish our parents were not so keen to remain in their own home for so long. Mum had wanted to go to a retirement village setting a long time ago, but Dad did not want to give up his own home. It was a dividing issue for them for a long time. Mum did not drive and where they lived was not convenient to public transport and Mum became quite isolated - if she wanted to go somewhere, she had to get Dad to take her, and pick her up. She lost her independence, and the issue of transport/access to social activities for her was one that raised its ugly head from time to time.
Dad continued to play bowls with his mates (although they were dwindling) until the last year or so, when I could not leave Mum alone. Luckily he was able to meet with his mates occasionally, but Mum no longer found anything she wanted to do. Her friends were all departing this world too.
I have got to think there must be a better aged care model that we have right now. As we are all ageing, we need to look closely at the alternatives for care for us in the future.
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