I left Adelaide on July 1st - just 10 days ago, knowing that I may not see my father alive. At the time he was determined to live on, and as he can do, he fought hard, but it is not to be.
I have booked to go back tomorrow morning - and the chances I will be alive are slim. He has told my sister he is ready to go. It has been very distressing for her and her daughter and son, and we are all somewhat fragile.
My daughter and her children are still going to Adelaide on Thursday, but he has asked that the children not see him. He wants them to remember him in the 'good times.'
We are of the opinion not to tell my mother - whose dementia is such that she is unaware of what is going on outside the walls of her haven - the nursing home.
She does not even comment on not seeing her husband of over 60 years - she thinks he comes every two or three days, and now it is more like four weeks since he has seen her. Even when we visit, she is wonderful, but she forgets we came, soon after. It is hard for everyone but she is doing well physically, and we may not tell her anything of the events.
I think too of the fact that as one of the last of a large family - he is the 'last one standing' so to speak - and even cousins are too fragile health wise to attend his farewell - his funeral. His friends have passed too. There are few left. Strange really, and that his wife will not be there either.
He's lived a long and fruitful life, but it is almost over.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Mixed Emotions
We are so proud of our parents (my sister and I) as they have had (until recent times) a good long life. Certainly had its challenges at times, but they are stoic and determined and have done pretty well.
But in their declining years, the challenges really make life difficult. Mum is physically fit, but dementia has claimed her. She now lives in a nursing home, completely happy as all is done for her, and she lives our days out doing very little, but considering herself very busy working for the government. She told me a few days ago that she was at the races at nearby Seacliff racetrack (there may have been a racetrack there, but it would have been 70 years ago), and that she was telling someone (her grand daughter) that she was pregnant. (We've had a good laugh at that - even she thought it was funny.)
Dad on the other hand, who was until a few weeks ago living in their unit right next door to the nursing home, was mentally alert, but physically going down hill. He's weathered cancer and complications from the medication, but in the end it was more depression, and his heart that made it impossible to continue living at home.
He has had several 'heart attacks' and is clearly depressed - and other than make him as comfortable as possible, there is little else that can be done. He is 92 in a couple of weeks time.
He has been in and out of hospital for the last three weeks and keen to go to a nursing home - though not to the one where mother is. There was a vacant bed next to mum, but we knew that constant bickering would get them both 'down'. Dad always argues with mum - as he contradicts her, and tell her that the stories she relates are not true. Result? Massive tension between the two.
While many who know dad consider that mentally he is ok - well, he is to some degree, and you can have a more sensible conversation with him, than with mum, but he repeats himself over and over and over, and is in denial about his situation. Despite the advice he's been given he can never allow mum to talk about the fantasy life she is living. The disputes are uncomfortable to witness.
His preferred aged care home has no vacancy, and he had to be discharged from the hospital, so after much 'mucking around' we found a bed for him, quite close to where he has lived most of his life, and consequently not far from his shrinking circle of friends.
When I saw it the other day I saw quite a few reasonable alert people around, and was assured that the were some guys who were mentally alert, but he's already depressed about the place. He saw all the 'oldies' sitting in their wheelchairs watching television, and he and my sister have agreed that it is not suitable for him.
OMG! As one that has been frequently in these places as a visitor and as an aged care trainer in the past, I saw the establishment as one of the best I have seen. It was relatively new, open and clean and surrounded by gardens.
All Dad and my sister have seen is the old people - and dad doesn't want to associate with them. In fact he doesn't have to but he might be there for several weeks, or even months until there is a vacancy.
The reality is that dad is declining, and fairly fast if he does not manage to 'pull himself out of it' - and the depression is what is causing the problem.
He cannot accept that his longevity, along with his health issues, renders him pretty much like the others in such places. He sees himself (and it is not snobbery as such) as being better than the others. He doesn't see the old man that he is.
Well, I am back in Brisbane. I did all I could do in the five days I had in Adelaide, and I'd love to have done more but it was a rush to do everything as it was.
I am sure the fear of his days ending sometime soon, is what is behind the depression, and he worries about our mother, who is incredibly comfortable where she is. Family members will continue to keep visiting them.
We will try to do the best for them both. It is hard on everyone - and especially them, although mum worries not about it. Dad is (and always has been) the worrier.
But in their declining years, the challenges really make life difficult. Mum is physically fit, but dementia has claimed her. She now lives in a nursing home, completely happy as all is done for her, and she lives our days out doing very little, but considering herself very busy working for the government. She told me a few days ago that she was at the races at nearby Seacliff racetrack (there may have been a racetrack there, but it would have been 70 years ago), and that she was telling someone (her grand daughter) that she was pregnant. (We've had a good laugh at that - even she thought it was funny.)
Dad on the other hand, who was until a few weeks ago living in their unit right next door to the nursing home, was mentally alert, but physically going down hill. He's weathered cancer and complications from the medication, but in the end it was more depression, and his heart that made it impossible to continue living at home.
He has had several 'heart attacks' and is clearly depressed - and other than make him as comfortable as possible, there is little else that can be done. He is 92 in a couple of weeks time.
He has been in and out of hospital for the last three weeks and keen to go to a nursing home - though not to the one where mother is. There was a vacant bed next to mum, but we knew that constant bickering would get them both 'down'. Dad always argues with mum - as he contradicts her, and tell her that the stories she relates are not true. Result? Massive tension between the two.
While many who know dad consider that mentally he is ok - well, he is to some degree, and you can have a more sensible conversation with him, than with mum, but he repeats himself over and over and over, and is in denial about his situation. Despite the advice he's been given he can never allow mum to talk about the fantasy life she is living. The disputes are uncomfortable to witness.
His preferred aged care home has no vacancy, and he had to be discharged from the hospital, so after much 'mucking around' we found a bed for him, quite close to where he has lived most of his life, and consequently not far from his shrinking circle of friends.
When I saw it the other day I saw quite a few reasonable alert people around, and was assured that the were some guys who were mentally alert, but he's already depressed about the place. He saw all the 'oldies' sitting in their wheelchairs watching television, and he and my sister have agreed that it is not suitable for him.
OMG! As one that has been frequently in these places as a visitor and as an aged care trainer in the past, I saw the establishment as one of the best I have seen. It was relatively new, open and clean and surrounded by gardens.
All Dad and my sister have seen is the old people - and dad doesn't want to associate with them. In fact he doesn't have to but he might be there for several weeks, or even months until there is a vacancy.
The reality is that dad is declining, and fairly fast if he does not manage to 'pull himself out of it' - and the depression is what is causing the problem.
He cannot accept that his longevity, along with his health issues, renders him pretty much like the others in such places. He sees himself (and it is not snobbery as such) as being better than the others. He doesn't see the old man that he is.
Well, I am back in Brisbane. I did all I could do in the five days I had in Adelaide, and I'd love to have done more but it was a rush to do everything as it was.
I am sure the fear of his days ending sometime soon, is what is behind the depression, and he worries about our mother, who is incredibly comfortable where she is. Family members will continue to keep visiting them.
We will try to do the best for them both. It is hard on everyone - and especially them, although mum worries not about it. Dad is (and always has been) the worrier.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
At Any Cost
Yesterday, while driving, I was listening to ABC Classic Radio and there was an interview with Dr Mohamed Khadra, about a play he co-wrote with David Williamson, which premiered at the Noosa Long Weekend Festival.
Dr Khadra wanted to create interest and discussion about the high cost of keeping people alive at the end of their lives, when the reality is that they should be able to die with dignity.
It is due to open its Sydney season on July 15th, at the Ensemble Theatre, and later at Penrith's Q Theatre in September.
You can listen to the interview with Margaret Throsby - accessible at this site.
http://www.abc.net.au/classic/throsby/stories/s3250342.htm
Dr Khadra wanted to create interest and discussion about the high cost of keeping people alive at the end of their lives, when the reality is that they should be able to die with dignity.
It is due to open its Sydney season on July 15th, at the Ensemble Theatre, and later at Penrith's Q Theatre in September.
You can listen to the interview with Margaret Throsby - accessible at this site.
http://www.abc.net.au/classic/throsby/stories/s3250342.htm
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Fear of Ageing
I am sure we all fear the last few years of our lives - fear of the unknown really as we don't know how our own bodies and minds are going to behave in our twilight years.
My father, at almost 92, is an independent cuss, whose live nearly ended 12 years ago when he was given 24 hours to live - and somehow miraculoulsy survived, for which we are very grateful. I remember at the time my mother's reaction as he lay dying - she really had had enough I think. He was typical male - and made most decisions - often wisely, but she had lost her own independence many years before. He berated her frequently, and I suspect his behaviour contrinuted to her downward spiral mentally.
She had some 15 years ago wanted to move into a 'retirement facility' - just a small unit, similar to what they were living in, but with support and people around. Mum had no where to go, no one to talk to, unless Dad took her, and he was such a nice guy to everyone else that he was always made a fuss of, and often stayed at the events that Mum had thought she could get some peace away from him. These occurrences continually aggravated here.
He dominated her life in every way. Mentally she went downhill quickly and he beratd her more. He cared for her though - and it was he who cooked the meals and did much of the housework. Last year, he became ill (though we know now that it was more 'panic attack' than anything as he was suddenly overwhelmed by all he had to do - and the continual bickering (often instigated by him) got him down and he was taken to hospital. It was clear he was unable to manage our mother, so she went to a nursing home.
As it was right next door to their unit - he felt it was the right thing to stay there. He was still driving though didn't go far. I could never understand how his doctor would see him as still fit to drive, but he managed without any accidents.
Clearly though in the last year, he was failing. It came to a head recently when he 'collapsed' - actually another panic attack, and he was hospitalised. He was discharged - and on talking to him I deduced that he really was not fit to beon his own, but he had rejected all support except regular home visits by an aged care organisation.
My sister took time off work to keep an eye on him, but she was looking after her daughters home and animals on the other side of the city, and I was in Brisbane - not easily able to go to Adelaide. (Even if I had wanted to go - the volcanic ash from Chile would have interrupted any travel plans)
My sister called to make sure he ate properly, and she gave him his medication. He was so confused he needed someone to do this for him. So this man thinks he can now live alone???
My sister had been with him most of yesterday and, according to his wishes arranged for home help, - someone to visit every day - check that he had meals, and that he was taking his medication. I spoke with him about 1 pm - he was feeling fine, he said. In fact he sounded quite bright and confident everything would work out. (His breathing bothered me - there were signs of breathlessness I could hear). My sister left for a short time to do some shopping for him, but while he was away the home care folk to confirm arrangements and Dad broke down. He told the lady that he could not manage and could not breathe properly, so she called the ambulance and then contacted my sister.
He was taken to Ashford Hospital in Adelaide, but a few hours later he was transferred to Glenelg Hospital. He has now accepted that he will never go home and that he will have to go to some aged care facility. He refuses to go to the same place Mum is - creating quite a dilemma for us - my sister will now have two places to visit on a regular basis.
I can understand how he was reluctant to go to a facility - my experience is that they are unhappy places - God's waiting rooms - and I have no doubt that he will go downhill quickly.
Meanwhile my mother is oblivous to all that is going on. She doesn't seem to notice that she has not seen Bob for a while. She will be 96 this year and physically is ok.
I don't know the answer, but I know that as a community we are not providing well for our ageing population. I know it is often a finance issue, and I know older people are pigheaded and won't make the changes that they need to. If Mum and Dad had moved when she wanted to, into a facility that had a nursing home attached/associated with it, they would both have had more peace of mind.
It is hard. I wonder how I will react as I get older?
My father, at almost 92, is an independent cuss, whose live nearly ended 12 years ago when he was given 24 hours to live - and somehow miraculoulsy survived, for which we are very grateful. I remember at the time my mother's reaction as he lay dying - she really had had enough I think. He was typical male - and made most decisions - often wisely, but she had lost her own independence many years before. He berated her frequently, and I suspect his behaviour contrinuted to her downward spiral mentally.
She had some 15 years ago wanted to move into a 'retirement facility' - just a small unit, similar to what they were living in, but with support and people around. Mum had no where to go, no one to talk to, unless Dad took her, and he was such a nice guy to everyone else that he was always made a fuss of, and often stayed at the events that Mum had thought she could get some peace away from him. These occurrences continually aggravated here.
He dominated her life in every way. Mentally she went downhill quickly and he beratd her more. He cared for her though - and it was he who cooked the meals and did much of the housework. Last year, he became ill (though we know now that it was more 'panic attack' than anything as he was suddenly overwhelmed by all he had to do - and the continual bickering (often instigated by him) got him down and he was taken to hospital. It was clear he was unable to manage our mother, so she went to a nursing home.
As it was right next door to their unit - he felt it was the right thing to stay there. He was still driving though didn't go far. I could never understand how his doctor would see him as still fit to drive, but he managed without any accidents.
Clearly though in the last year, he was failing. It came to a head recently when he 'collapsed' - actually another panic attack, and he was hospitalised. He was discharged - and on talking to him I deduced that he really was not fit to beon his own, but he had rejected all support except regular home visits by an aged care organisation.
My sister took time off work to keep an eye on him, but she was looking after her daughters home and animals on the other side of the city, and I was in Brisbane - not easily able to go to Adelaide. (Even if I had wanted to go - the volcanic ash from Chile would have interrupted any travel plans)
My sister called to make sure he ate properly, and she gave him his medication. He was so confused he needed someone to do this for him. So this man thinks he can now live alone???
My sister had been with him most of yesterday and, according to his wishes arranged for home help, - someone to visit every day - check that he had meals, and that he was taking his medication. I spoke with him about 1 pm - he was feeling fine, he said. In fact he sounded quite bright and confident everything would work out. (His breathing bothered me - there were signs of breathlessness I could hear). My sister left for a short time to do some shopping for him, but while he was away the home care folk to confirm arrangements and Dad broke down. He told the lady that he could not manage and could not breathe properly, so she called the ambulance and then contacted my sister.
He was taken to Ashford Hospital in Adelaide, but a few hours later he was transferred to Glenelg Hospital. He has now accepted that he will never go home and that he will have to go to some aged care facility. He refuses to go to the same place Mum is - creating quite a dilemma for us - my sister will now have two places to visit on a regular basis.
I can understand how he was reluctant to go to a facility - my experience is that they are unhappy places - God's waiting rooms - and I have no doubt that he will go downhill quickly.
Meanwhile my mother is oblivous to all that is going on. She doesn't seem to notice that she has not seen Bob for a while. She will be 96 this year and physically is ok.
I don't know the answer, but I know that as a community we are not providing well for our ageing population. I know it is often a finance issue, and I know older people are pigheaded and won't make the changes that they need to. If Mum and Dad had moved when she wanted to, into a facility that had a nursing home attached/associated with it, they would both have had more peace of mind.
It is hard. I wonder how I will react as I get older?
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Elder Abuse
This morning's Sunday Mail reported a number of very sad events where people have taken unfair advantage of elders. One case was an elderly man who was taken advantage of by a women, already married, but feigned her love for the man, and in the end took his money. Luckily, according to the story, he was able to pull himself together and get his life back on track. Some people are very vulnerable after the death of a partner, or an illness. There always seems to be some nasty person around to take advantage of the situation.
There has been more in the papers about the funeral industry and I am pleased to know that there is a new organisation getting ready to be created that will advocate for families at the time of death. It is so important that families are not ripped off, or that they get the best value for their dollars.
It would be great to get more support. If anyone is interested they can send me a message via the comments section, and I will put them in touch with the organisers who are keen to work to ensure that there is "Dignity in Death."
Australia really is a multicultural country - so there are many types of funerals held in Australia.
My friend Patty Beecham has a business where she takes videos of family events - including funerals. I had to think hard about this - I did not initially understand why someone would want a family funeral filmed but I am sure that it will bring value to some folk.
Visit her website to see what she is doing. Click here.
Make your own banner at MyBannerMaker.com!
There has been more in the papers about the funeral industry and I am pleased to know that there is a new organisation getting ready to be created that will advocate for families at the time of death. It is so important that families are not ripped off, or that they get the best value for their dollars.
It would be great to get more support. If anyone is interested they can send me a message via the comments section, and I will put them in touch with the organisers who are keen to work to ensure that there is "Dignity in Death."
Australia really is a multicultural country - so there are many types of funerals held in Australia.
My friend Patty Beecham has a business where she takes videos of family events - including funerals. I had to think hard about this - I did not initially understand why someone would want a family funeral filmed but I am sure that it will bring value to some folk.
Visit her website to see what she is doing. Click here.
Make your own banner at MyBannerMaker.com!
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Bad News for Seniors.
There were several articles in The Sunday Mail in Brisbane today, May 15th, 2011, that provide depressing information for seniors.
One article was about the problems within the funeral industry. There are apparently funeral directors who are misleading their clients and not treating the deceased (or their families) with dignity and respect and that strange things are happening in the industry. So make sure that when you need the services of a funeral director you choose one which does do the right thing. Again, this is probably something you should research well before you need their services. It would't hurt to do some research right now.
Also, if you are one that has chosen to pay funds on a regular basis to a Funeral Insurance plan, just check that, should you live a long time, that you are not paying far more than your funeral will every cost. Some companies are making massive profits from people who live a long time, and can lose everything if they stop paying. Do your research and check the details of any company you choose to insure with.
Another article was calling for more scrutiny of older drivers after an horrific accident in a Brisbane suburb last week, where a woman nearly lost her life, and did lose her leg. It makes me wonder too - so many young people are causing accidents, so do they call for more scrutiny on them? Sure, all drivers must have scrutiny. I am aware that some doctors are afraid to refuse to allow their patients to drive, especially if the aged person believes they are safe. My 92 year old father is a case in point. I don't think he should still be driving.
In addition, we learn that older people are being targetted by scammers, especially those who phone to say there is a problem with one's computer and they can fix it. Scammers. Hang up, is the best advice and do not tell them anything.
One article was about the problems within the funeral industry. There are apparently funeral directors who are misleading their clients and not treating the deceased (or their families) with dignity and respect and that strange things are happening in the industry. So make sure that when you need the services of a funeral director you choose one which does do the right thing. Again, this is probably something you should research well before you need their services. It would't hurt to do some research right now.
Also, if you are one that has chosen to pay funds on a regular basis to a Funeral Insurance plan, just check that, should you live a long time, that you are not paying far more than your funeral will every cost. Some companies are making massive profits from people who live a long time, and can lose everything if they stop paying. Do your research and check the details of any company you choose to insure with.
Another article was calling for more scrutiny of older drivers after an horrific accident in a Brisbane suburb last week, where a woman nearly lost her life, and did lose her leg. It makes me wonder too - so many young people are causing accidents, so do they call for more scrutiny on them? Sure, all drivers must have scrutiny. I am aware that some doctors are afraid to refuse to allow their patients to drive, especially if the aged person believes they are safe. My 92 year old father is a case in point. I don't think he should still be driving.
In addition, we learn that older people are being targetted by scammers, especially those who phone to say there is a problem with one's computer and they can fix it. Scammers. Hang up, is the best advice and do not tell them anything.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
How to Cope with being Widowed
I found this article on the internet and thought it was very interesting. I often think how men who are widowed can quickly find a woman to take care of them, but so many women do not find a new partner. How to Cope with being Widowed
It is certainly something that we do not normally talk about. I guess it is another of those topics that is difficult to discuss.
It is certainly something that we do not normally talk about. I guess it is another of those topics that is difficult to discuss.
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